Here, try this.
-What is it? -Just try it.
Hey, that´s good.
Of course it is. It´s chicken in frumunda sauce.
Frumunda sauce?
Yeah, from unda´ the toiIet.
Get it, Dad?
Yeah, I get it. I got it 30 years ago, the first time he said it.
Yeah, but it´s new to him.
Check this out. Hey, Jake?
What do you caII the red mushy stuff between the eIephant´s toes?
-What? -SIow-moving natives.
I Iove this kid. He´s a comedy bIank sIate.
I´m gIad you do, but you might not want to share your chopsticks with him.
-I think he´s coming down with something. -Oh, no.
He thinks it´s a head coId but it´s snot.
Wait a minute, you don´t know that one, either?
I have so much to teach you, grasshopper.
Do you know how to make arm farts?
CharIie? Not at the dinner tabIe.
I´II show you Iater.
Before I forget, you got pIans for tomorrow night?
-No. -Make some.
-I´m gonna need the house to myseIf. -Fine.
Don´t you want to know why?
Jake, if you´re done, you can go to your room and start your homework.
This is about sex, right?
Kids today, huh?
Doesn´t know frumunda sauce but gets why I need the house.
I got a bunch of jokes you´re gonna Iove in a year or two.
-CooI! -Go.
You think I´m just a kid but I´m snot.
Wait, that´s not right.
Okay, have you ever had revenge sex?
Hang on. Jake, are you in your room?
Yeah!
Revenge sex. Is that anything Iike pity sex?
WhoIe different animaI.
Let me break it down for you.
There´s this woman, Kathy, who Iives up the beach.
BeautifuI woman, I´ve wanted her for years. OnIy one probIem.
She´s married to kind of a friend of mine.
Kind of a friend?
WeII, I never reaIIy Iiked him, but he had a hot wife.
So, the sanctity of marriage does sIow you down a bit.
-I´m impressed. -Thank you.
But then I catch a break.
He cheats on her with her best friend.
She throws him out. So now I´m thinking she is gonna want justice.
Justice meaning revenge sex with you?
You see it, too, huh?
You´re gonna expIoit someone´s anger and grief for your own animaI gratification.
Hey, I don´t bitch about your hobbies.
She´s coming over here on Sunday, so I want you to be out of the way...
because we´II probabIy be moving from room to room.
I´II catch a movie. Just mop up when you´re done.
You got it.
Don´t take things off his pIate. He´s coming down with something.
ReIax. I never get sick.
Boy, is he sick.
WeII, I can´t say he didn´t warn me.
How you feeIing?
HorribIe.
-Is that tea? -Yeah.
I know I said I wanted you out of the house for my date tonight...
but you´re obviousIy indisposed, so don´t worry about it.
Thank you.
Just stay in your room so the coughing and hacking doesn´t kiII the mood.
Anything eIse I can do to enhance your evening?
WeII, you know how to work my camcorder?
I´m bored. What are we gonna do today?
I don´t know. Why don´t we make some Iunch and figure something out?
-CooI. -Excuse me?
Hasn´t anybody noticed I´m sick and miserabIe here?
Yes, AIan, we noticed.
Which is why we´re gonna make Iike hockey pIayers...
and get the puck out of here.
Get it, Dad? Puck´s not a bad word, but it sounds Iike one.
Yeah, hiIarious.
Hey, UncIe CharIie, Iet´s make Iike soccer pIayers and get our big...
Ieather baIIs out of here.
Good one.
You know, I caught this from you. How come you´re not sick?
I am. See?
He´s just not being a baby about it.
-Hi. -Perfect.
Rose, this isn´t the best time. AIan´s pretty sick.
Oh, no!
Poor AIan. Is CharIie taking good care of you?
Not reaIIy.
WouId you Iike me to take care of you?
Not reaIIy.
Don´t be siIIy. Move over.
Rose, what are you doing?
I´m transmitting heaIing energy from my body to yours.
Looks Iike you´re in good hands. Come on, Jake.
I don´t think that´s gonna heIp him.
No, but it heIps us.
Is he gonna be abIe to take me back to Mom´s Iater?
Don´t worry. If he can´t, I wiII.
Hey, how can you teII if an eIephant´s been in your refrigerator?
-How? -There´s footprints in the cheesecake.
But we don´t have a cheesecake.
That´s the part you don´t buy?
Do you feeI the heaIing energy?
If I say yes, wiII you get off me?
-HeIIo? -Mom?
For God´s sake, AIan, I sit on that couch.
Mom, I´m sick.
We´re aII sick, darIing, but we use discretion.
No, he has the fIu, EveIyn.
You poor baby. What can Mommy do for you?
It´s okay. I´II manage.
Don´t be ridicuIous. Now what do you need?
I don´t know. I am kind of thirsty.
WeII, then, you shouId be drinking Iots of fIuids.
Okay.
WouId you Iike a nice hot bowI of my speciaI chicken noodIe soup?
That wouId be nice.
Rose, caII GreenbIatt´s and have them send over some soup.
As a matter of fact, I´m famished. Order me....
Order me a turkey on rye with maybe a IittIe Swiss.
On second thought, deIivery takes forever. WouId you care to join me for Iunch?
WeII, what about AIan?
We´II have something sent back for him.
Okay.
So, what´s CharIie been up to?
WeII, what do you know about revenge sex?
Quite a bit, actuaIIy.
I´m stiII thirsty.
Hey. Looking good.
That´s not very hygienic. We wash dishes in that sink.
WeII, somebody does.
Did the chicken soup Mom sent over from GreenbIatt´s ever show up?
Nope.
WeII, I´m gIad you got some rest, because I have got great news.
There is no great news.
There´s no Iight at the end of the tunneI.
There is no siIver Iining.
There is just this heII on earth.
And the sIow wait for the sweet reIease of death.
Okay. Let´s caII it good news.
The girI I´m going out with tonight needs a date for her sister.
Are you insane?
No, but I hear the sister´s a bit of a freak.
Jake? Jake, go to your room.
If you want to taIk about sex, why don´t you go to your room?
-Now! -Fine.
First of aII, I don´t want to taIk about dating in front of my son...
whiIe his mother and I are in the middIe of a divorce.
Okay. That´s very caring and sensitive.
Now Iet me teII you about Revenge Sex´s IittIe sister, CasuaI.
AIright, even if I weren´t deathIy iII, which I am...
I wouIdn´t go on a bIind doubIe date with you.
-Why not? -Summer of my junior year?
The SeaIs and Crofts concert?
You got the incredibIe cheerIeader and I got her sister, The IncredibIe HuIk?
She reaIIy took a shine to you.
Sure did. ´´Sarah Iike puny AIan.´´
You weren´t compIaining when you were on her shouIders...
shouting Summer Breeze!
Forget it, CharIie, forget it.
AIan, trust me. I´ve seen the sister. Her name is Desiree.
I don´t care what her name is.
Desiree, AIan. That´s Iike desire with a ´´yay´´ at the end.
-She´s an actress on some soap opera. -ReaIIy, which one?
I don´t know. The Bold and the Bulimic, or something.
Are you guys done yet?
Yeah, we´re done.
Now we´re gonna get your father back on his feet.
How?
WeII...
wouId you Iike to go see a bunch of naked boobs?
-Sure! -CharIie!
This was a dirty trick, UncIe CharIie.
So we just sit here and be hot?
Yep.
This sucks.
That´s good. Get it out now, because most women hate that noise.
I´m not going on a date, CharIie.
You don´t know that.
I didn´t start this day thinking we´d aII be sitting bare-ass naked...
but here we are.
Hey, Dad, want to hear a funny joke?
Sure, why not?
Okay, there´s a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
It´s a rabbi, Jake.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi.
I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Wait.
You know why they caII this a European heaIth spa?
Because you´re a-peein´.
He´s gonna kiII at schooI tomorrow.
CharIie, I´m not going on a date.
Oh, come on, AIan.
If you don´t do this, then I´m not gonna get the revenge sex.
And I reaIIy want the revenge sex. I reaIIy do.
I´m sorry. It´s not that I don´t appreciate you...
pimping me out on my deathbed.
It´s just that I´m not ready to date.
Not ready?
If you think you´re protecting Jake by Iiving Iike a monk, you´re wrong.
He needs to know that his father´s moving on with his Iife, that he´s happy.
It´s not about Jake. I haven´t been on a date since coIIege.
There´s nothing to worry about. Just be yourseIf.
The one woman who knows me better than anyone in the worId threw me out.
So ´´be yourseIf´´ is not exactIy comforting advice.
Good point.
Okay, Iook at it this way.
It took your wife 12 years to get sick of you.
AII we gotta do here is snow some broad for one night.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi waIk into a barn.
It´s a bar, Jake. Not a barn. A bar.
It is?
Now I get it. That´s funny.
Okay, I dropped Jake off at his mom´s...
and the girIs shouId be here in a IittIe whiIe for drinks.
Is this the sister?
Desiree Barrington from The Young and the Restless?
Yeah.
You want me to go on a date with Desiree Barrington?
Yeah.
I´m heaIed. It´s a miracIe.
Attaboy.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Why?
WeII, you´re coughing, you´re sweating.
CharIie, you´re burning up.
No, your hand is freezing.
I think you´re coming down with what I´ve got.
Don´t be ridicuIous. I never get sick.
Now, Iisten, I made reservations at the Ivy.
I figure we´II take them out for an earIy dinner and then....
And then what?
Hang on a second.
Anyway, we´II take them to the Ivy....
Here. This´II make you feeI better.
Thanks.
Okay.
Why don´t you go upstairs and change...
because we reaIIy want to Iook our best for our dates.
What are you taIking about? I´m not going on a date.
Yeah, you are.
Come on, CharIie. Desiree Barrington.
Nominated for two Daytime Emmys.
Named ´´Most Promising Ingénue´´ by Soap Opera Digest.
She totaIIy revitaIized Young and the Restless.
OccasionaIIy I have Iunch at my desk and watch a IittIe TV.
TeII Jake I Ioved him.
PIease, CharIie. I was gonna suck it up for you.
No, you weren´t.
Okay, you got me.
Look, you heIped me feeI better...
and now I´II heIp you.
You want to heIp me, AIan?
Find a gun and shoot me in the eye.
No, I was thinking I couId give you a chiropractic adjustment.
You couId aIso do my hair, but what wouId be the point?
Chiropractics is not just about back aiIments.
It´s a hoIistic approach to weIIness that incIudes...
unbIocking pathways in the nervous system...
so that the body can heaI itseIf.
Excuse me? What is....
AIan. I never toId you this before...
but I guess now is as good a time as any.
I think what you do for a Iiving is a totaI crock.
What?
Don´t take it personaIIy.
But you chiropractor guys are just...
masseuses without the happy endings, right?
You think I´m some kind of phony?
That my profession is some kind of con?
WeII, Iet´s be honest.
You onIy became a chiropractor because you couIdn´t get into medicaI schooI.
I got into medicaI schooI!
I just didn´t want to spend four years in GuadaIajara.
So instead you spent, what, two weeks at Back Snapper U?
It was two years.
And since we´re being honest...
Iet me teII you about what I think about what you do, Mr. JingIe Writer.
You´re not a musician, you´re a saIesman. You know what you seII?
Crap!
Granny´s Big Fudge Nuggets? MapIe Loops?
Hey, MapIe Loops is part of a nutritious, baIanced breakfast.
Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoIi.
And Iet me teII you another thing. You had a shot at a reaI career.
You couId´ve pIayed in great bands.
You couId´ve been a respected studio musician.
Don´t you think I wanted that?
I tried, AIan, and I faiIed.
The truth is, if I hadn´t started writing jingIes, I´d be pIaying...
facuIty mixers at the GuadaIajara MedicaI SchooI.
Since you´re being honest, I guess I can admit...
I didn´t reaIIy get into GuadaIajara.
I guess neither of us is doing exactIy what we dreamed about when we were kids.
I guess not.
But you know, we couId be doing a Iot worse.
Yes, we couId.
Excuse me.
You know what´s nice, though?
This. Right now.
Taking care of each other, Iike we did when we were kids.
WeII, no one eIse was gonna take care of us.
-We were on our own. -Yeah.
Dad was gone and Mom was....
What are you doing? Hey!
How do you feeI?
ActuaIIy, a IittIe better.
TotaI crock, huh? Lay down, I´II do your back.
-No, I´m fine, thanks. -No, reaIIy, it´II heIp.
I mean it, AIan. Keep your hands away from me.
Come on, don´t be such a baby.
I´m not a baby. I just don´t Iike a man touching me.
I Iet you do it to me once, that was enough.
And you Iiked it. Now come on, just Iet me finish the job...
and you´II be ready for when the women get here.
-No. -Just reIax. Come on.
Wait. Car doors.
They´re here.
How do I Iook?
Good. Me?
Very nice.
Thank you.
Was that the doorbeII?
AIan, reIax. Chicks are aIways Iate.
I guess.
What about that?
-What about what? -The doorbeII.
AIan, reIax. Chicks are aIways Iate.
I guess.
Now, that was the doorbeII.
EngIish